Story by Amelia Matheson, illustration by Mallika Sunder

Ever since I came to this country, I have had to decide which ethnic group I belong to. Which box do I check? “Black/African American” or “Other”? It really is complicated and confusing, believe it or not.

To be honest, I have never truly considered myself to be an African American. I used to think it was because I am not from Africa; but, as I would later realize, this is in fact an appropriate way to describe my race. Back then though, I did consider myself to be a Black person, no doubt about that. That’s why I have always checked the “Black or African American” box on forms. Then again, I also never saw myself as American, either. Yes, I am a proud U.S. citizen, but I was reluctant to give up my Jamaican citizenship. My seven year old brain saw this as saying I was no longer Jamaican and that broke my heart. It wasn’t until I was twelve or so that I realized that ethnicity and nationality are two different things. And since then, I have learned that this whole situation is a matter of defining my race, ethnicity, and nationality. Just three labels; sounds simple, right? It turns out nothing is that simple in life.

So what is my nationality? Well, one’s nationality is their status of belonging to a particular nation. I believe that since I am an American citizen, my nationality is American. Now in regards to race and ethnicity, things get a little bit tricky. National Geographic provides brilliant definitions of both concepts: race is “defined as a category of humankind that shares certain distinctive physical traits” while ethnicity is linked to cultural expression and identification which includes linguistic, religious, and national origin.

In my case, society would categorize my race as being “Black”. Similarities are not hard to find when comparing me to other Black people around the world, the most obvious being our skin colour and hair texture. It’s common knowledge that most Black people have some amount of “Sub-Saharan African” in them so I guess I fall under that umbrella, too. Therefore, it is also correct to say that I am African American— an American national of African descent. As for my ethnicity, I most definitely consider myself to be culturally Jamaican. Jamaica is where I was born, my entire family is Jamaican, and Jamaican culture is my culture.

Are you lost yet?

I think I’m still trying to hold on to my Jamaican side. My family always says I’m becoming more “American” everyday, that I’m losing my culture. That’s one of my biggest fears in life; after all, who would I be without my culture? You have to understand that I left my birth country when I was seven and I don’t really have many memories of “cultural” things. I do know that we have the best food, dance, music, and language in the Caribbean, though; and a lot of people don’t know where the island is located but they have heard of reggae, ganja, and that corny “Jamaica me crazy” phrase.

In all of the ten years I have been here, I have visited home once in 2013. It is my favorite Christmas memory ever. My father, stepmom, and I spent ten days going to the beach, attending my aunt’s wedding, relaxing by the river, visiting family friends and cousins I have never met, and eating fried plantain, curry goat, ackee and saltfish, and the juiciest patties on this planet. Even though I stay in regular contact with my loved ones, I still miss the atmosphere in Jamaica. I miss the salty sea air, the sound of a gentle breeze flowing through tall bamboo stalks, my cousins’ laughter as we tried to build sand castles, and the crystal clear water of the always cold river by my grandparents’ house. I even miss how scary the crayfish in that same river seemed to me when I was five.

But, the more I think about it, Jamaica will always be a part of me. No matter how long I stay here, I am still Jamaican even if I act “American”. That’s the thing with ethnicity: it is a part of you no matter what. It is your culture and heritage. Nationalities can change, and race is ultimately just a physical identifier, but one’s ethnicity is forever.

As time goes by, I will learn more about my ethnicity and race. I know for a fact that I have a lot of Sub-Saharan African in me and maybe some European because, hey, slavery. I have some research to do—maybe I’ll even take a DNA test—and hopefully I’ll learn more about my ancestry. But what I know as of now is that I am a proud African American citizen of America, one with colourful cultural roots in the tiny island nation of Jamaica.